I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I want a musical about memes.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
