Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
