did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I need to align my fucking chakras
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
