Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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