Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
