I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
