I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
