I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
