awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
