census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
