I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
