I can't breathe out the right side of my face
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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