I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
