My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
