i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
