Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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