A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
