I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
