Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
