I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
