thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
