Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
What a dumb baby whore.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
