Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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