the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
