I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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