I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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