Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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