If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
