just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
