you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
