mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
