Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
