i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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