This is not my ceiling
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
