umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
