Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
