some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I checked into jail on foursquare
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Found your dick twin last night
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
