When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
