I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
