Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
