Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
