hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
This house was built for laser tag.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
