wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
