which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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