6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
