i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
