I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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