Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
