i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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