OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
