How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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