It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
