the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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