Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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