I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
