Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Come see our sink grown plant.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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